Thursday, March 1, 2012

The four most annoying types of vegans

Most people think vegans are annoying, and for good reason. We are. Generally speaking, our tribe tends to rub people the wrong way. A lot of that is just because we are different. However, a lot of the antipathy people have towards vegans is well deserved. So partially in the interests of showing we vegans can laugh at ourselves (but mostly just because I like making fun of people), and also because stereotypes are fun, I thought I would give a list of the four most annoying types of vegans - or rather the four I thought I could come up with enough funny stuff to write about. 

Mr. “I’m more vegan than you”
Some people don’t go vegan because they want to help animals, or even for health reasons. Some people go vegan so they can be better than everyone else. Inevitably, as omnivores (rightly) tell these self-appointed paragons of virtue to go fuck themselves, they turn their insecurities on the more patient and iron-deprived vegan community. Often these are so-called “abolitionists” crusading against the imaginary “welfarists” they constantly see lurking in the dark corners of the vegan world, who will try to make you feel guilty for doing anything even remotely resembling what they call “animal exploitation.” Using the wrong kind of toothpaste? Eating vegan crackers from the wrong manufacturer? Watching a porno with a cat who’s incidentally in the background grooming himself, who gets no royalties for his appearance? He will let you know how horrible a person you are, but at least he’ll be an asshole while doing it. He practices this trait regarding everything, up to and including chastising your appreciation cinematic classics that feature animals, such as Every Which Way but Loose and Smokey and the Bandit 2. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I refuse to sacrifice high culture just to satisfy the whims of some holier-than-thou jerk.

By the way, the Academy’s snubbing of Clyde’s performance will forever be remembered as a black mark on the Oscars.

The perpetually indignant vegan
People that go around looking for things to be offended about are going to be successful, and the perpetually indignant vegan certainly is that. Every small inconvenience and slight is legitimate cause for outrage. The sky is always falling, and not only is every small vegan-inconveniencing problem a travesty; it’s a goddamn war crime! Whenever PETA makes a stupid ad with scantily clad women, these are the first ones to express outrage at how this is an injustice of the highest order, on par with the Bataan Death March, the Holocaust, or the Michael Bay Transformers movies.

That motherfucker retroactively ruined my childhood.
Their pathological pessimism knows no limits regarding tact or context. But really, what constitutes true injustice? How woman are stoned to death in Saudi Arabia? Or how children are made into child soldiers in Africa? Come on – let’s have a little perspective here people! No, the local bistro taking one of their vegan sandwiches off the menu is obviously a worse injustice.

Sorry Baakir, but Emily not being able to get her bean sprout Panini deserves priority over your petty concerns. Back of the line, asshole!

The “Oh my God, this is SOOOOOOO good!” vegan
You know the people that think if it’s vegan then it has to be good? No matter how shitty or disgusting a dish is, this vegan will insist it’s one of the best things they have ever eaten. Then the next they try will also be one of the best things ever. And so on. “Mmmmmm! This vegan lasagna is seriously one of the best things I’ve ever had in my life!” No it isn’t. The only flavor that reminds you of animal products is the taste of paste like I used to eat when I was four. “Wow! This vegan Pad Thai is just amazing!” Wrong asshole – it tastes like peanut butter flavored toothpaste. In other words, it sucks. I know cognitive dissonance can be a bitch, but at least try to be discriminating!

“Dude! If we pan sear these with some sawdust, butternut squash, and liquid smoke… OMG it will be sooooo amazing!”

The conspiracy nut vegan
Think 9/11 was done by the government, who is also building secret concentration camps for us all in the upcoming American Holocaust? Believe that ancient aliens build the pyramids and Stonehenge, and gave King Solomon some sweet pick-up lines so he could fuck all those women? Or that the illuminati lizard people are responsible for the commercial success of Nelly? Well then congratulations - this is you! 

Okay, maybe there’s actually something to that one.

Is there something about veganism that attracts the wackjobs, or is it a deficiency of B vitamins that make a disproportionate number of vegans believe stupid, outlandish, crackpot theories? These gullible idiots will believe anything if it’s insane enough. I’m convinced that if I got one of them high enough (as most of them are stoners anyway) I could convince them that the world is governed by a cabal of celebrities that faked their own deaths, which includes Biggie, Tupac, Elvis, and Ike Turner, who all act at the behest of their leader, the most powerful and insidious of them all: Charles Nelson Reilly.

Now that you know the truth, bow to your true overlord .